The depths of my soul are quiet today. I'm allowing myself a slow morning before the day's agenda takes hold and I am a busy little bee. My mind and heart are not on the same page. My mind jumps from one to do list to the next as my heart ponders more slowly over the past weeks happenings. Finally I am able to squelch my mind from racing around and focus on working through the tough stuff.
Learning to let stuff roll off like water on a ducks back takes time and mental determination. It is hard to let go of the hurtful words and actions of others. For those who have thicker skin, I am sure this is not such a daunting task but for the sensitive soul it is quiet difficult at times. I don't wear my emotions on my sleeves, I tend to bottle them up and lock them silently away, so if I have been hurt you won't know. But there is danger in my process because the scenarios continue to play over and over and I over analyze the reason for the hurtful words or actions. Bottling causes me to begin questioning myself and what I may have done wrong to cause the hurt, and what do I need to change in myself, etc...
An example of this would be: 5 years ago I had a friend tell me to my face that she thought I was stupid. Not that what I was doing was stupid but that I was. It hit hard and it hurt me deeply. She continued on as if nothing had been said or done and I unscrewed my bottle, stuck it in, and tightened the lid. But it had already pierced my little spirit and left its poison behind. People don't understand the depth of hurt name calling causes. Their words hurt because it hurts the heart. To this day her words still hurt me when the memory surfaces in my mind. She and I are no longer friends but it was the way I was treated that lingers on.
I have determined today not to allow the above person or scenario to have anymore of my time. The hurt has lingered long enough and they proved themselves not a true friend. I am not stupid. And I am not going to let someone else's simple minded opinion of me cause me to feel less about myself. It has been a long hard process for me to get to this point and decision because they were a considered a good friend, almost a best friend. But like my true best friend, my sister, has said true friends don't unapologetically call you names, they don't make excuses for hurtful actions, they don't put you down to build themselves up.
It is freeing letting go of a long time hurt and letting all it baggage blow away in the wind. Now to start my day. Motivated, determined, and moving forward.