Lamentations 3:19-22*

It takes effort to play happy. It's a constant uphill battle to trick your psyche into believing that you are alright. People say it will get easier with time, what they won't tell you is that for the mean time you will have to dredge through a flood of past mistakes instead of pleasant memories which wash through your mind hourly. And the harder you try to be strong, the stronger the storms Satan will hurl in the direction of your heart. Sometimes you will find yourself on your knees having given up trying to withstand the waves of his torment. What most people won't tell you is this, the darkness doesn't just slowly seep into your soul, it literally pours down in torrents.
            Today as I drove home from work. I was battling one of these storms, and God flashed a picture into my mind. I saw myself standing on the prow of a little rowboat with my arms stretched wide. I was facing into the wind, the rain, lightening, and waves all of which seemed to be about to envelope the little vessel. And "the audience" wondered how it was the little vessel hadn't already capsized? Because really, who can stand on the tip of a rowboat without it toppling forward?  The next thing I saw brought a calming peace to my pounding heart. Sitting in the boat was my Savior, my family, and my friends all whispering prayers, encouragement, and support.

*'I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.'  

A Vulnerable Moment

     As I learn how to heal, I have found that it has become easier and easier to turn to God at my weakest moments. Last night I lay on my floor in tears, my mind racing with questions, my heart screaming out bitterly, when I looked up and saw this past Sunday's sermon notes laying there in front of me. I picked them up and started reading.
    Word by written word my heart slowed its angry beating, my mind began to focus on the message. Slowly, deliberately I read the notes I had taken. At the end I had written these precious words:

'Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.'

     Thankful tears replaced ones that had been filled with disappointment, anger, bitterness, and hopelessness. Even when this world fails me God never will. That very blessing, gives me the strength to stand and face this storm head on. And knowing that He is holding my hands tightly in His own helps me to simply breathe.

"Your are the Love that calms my heart,

You are the Peace that makes me still"

For those of you who know what the above situation derives from; I am sure this probably will make you angry at the one who has caused the pain. But I have a favor to ask, instead of wasting precious time on angry thoughts, lift them up in prayer. Pray for safe keeping and that God will bless them. 

My Daddy's Hand

Holding my Daddy's hand I see
a world that's not so bitter sweet

Holding my Daddy's hand I see
the beautiful girl He sees in me

Holding my Daddy's hand I see
the many miles He's carried me

Holding my Daddy's hand I know
that He is my shelter from winds that blow

Holding my Daddy's hand I know
that He's my joy when I feel alone

Holding my Daddy's hand I know
there's no where too far that I can go

Holding my Daddy's hand I see
His tender grace, blessings, and mercy

Holding my Daddy's hand I know
His enduring love will forever flow

October 10, 2011

Trials Of This Life

   "What if Your blessings come through rain drops, what if Your healing comes through tears, what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near. What if trials of this life, are Your mercies in disguise."
        Trials of this life, I can't say that I look forward to these. But as I walk through one right now, I also can't say that I would ever want to go without them. For some reason, maybe because I have been forced into solitude or am just older, my definition of 'trial' has changed. I no longer see it as, "Oh no, I have done something wrong again and am being punished." I now recognize them as a chance to run to God, climb up in His lap and be still.
        Do I always relish the thought or the knowledge that healing takes time? No, but as I have learned over the most recent years, you just can't rush the plans of God. I saw a church sign recently that read, "God's plans include you. Do your plans include God?
         That simple statement halted my spirit in its tracks. And I started thinking about it. Had I really been including God in my plans? The answer my heart whispered shook me, "No, to be honest they had not." I had tricked my self into believing that that the choices I had been making were pleasing to God, When in reality, had I taken the time to look at the situations from a different perspective, I would have seen the compromises I had been making. My decisions were only pleasing to me.
              So as I walk through this healing process, this trial. I run to God daily and we compare calendars, swap schedules. And I do nothing without thinking thoroughly upon it first. And I am learning to be thankful for my trials.