Most of you know that the company I work for is closing and as of December 31, 2011 I will be unemployed. I could sit here and write about all the many emotions and anxieties this is causing me but instead I think I will share two poems that God has led me to write in the past several days and a verse that keeps popping up in my readings. I hope the Christmas season is treating all of you well. Hug yourself for me and know that I think of you each very often.
The following verses are from this weekend's readings:
I am not telling you this because I need anything. I have learned to be satisfied with the things I have and with everything that happens. I know how to live when I am poor, and I know how to live when I have plenty. I have learend the secret of being happy at any time in everything that happens when I have enough to eat and when I go hungry, when I have more than I need and when I do not have enough. I can do all things through Christ, because He gives me strength. Philippians 4:11-13
Depend on the Lord; trust Him, and He will take care of you. Psalm 37:5
I am going to write the poems in another blog so this one won't be so very long. :)
Driving has become part of my life in the last couple of months. Every week day I drive a total of 90 minutes, 1 hour and 30 minutes. At first the drive was like an adventure. And then as the months wore on it became more of a chore. When I found that I was getting tired and bored of the drive I gave myself a goal. Look for a new "picture" on each trip. In the beginning of this new endeavor, it was difficult to see beyond the normal pictures of the trip. All the buildings appeared the same, the scenery was the same, and so on. And then one day as I was traveling to work I saw my first amazing picture. Oreo Cookie Cows! I gave them that name because no one could tell me what they were really named. They have black on their head and rump and then around the middle they have what looks like a painted white stripe. And they all look like this! I have found other scenes that my mind has snapped pictures of as well: a little red barn off the beaten path, a house that always seems to be surrounded by emergency vehicles, a tree that looks like a large T-Rex towering over I-35, and a tiny house boat I wish I had the money to buy.
This new looking endeavor has put a new out look on traveling back and forth to work. I find something new and then thank God for the little silver lining to the beginning or ending of my day. It also has got me in search of other times through out the day when He surprises me with a hidden blessing. Who knew a 90 minute drive could turn out to be so much fun. :)
As I looked at the clock for the 14th time in one minute I could feel my heart start racing and my anxiety get dangerously close to an uncontrollable level. In only 15 minutes I was going to be leaving for an interview I had been feeling very unsettled about. I closed my eyes, tried to breathe a couple of times, and I unsuccessfully attempted to steer my focus onto anything else. Opening my eyes I glanced down to my purse one the floor and realized that my Streams In The Desert was calling my name. I picked up the well used book and flipped it open to the day's devotion. As I read, my heart calmed its strained pitter patter, my anxiety vanished, and I began to smile.
Those words had been whispered into the author's ear a long time ago and obediently they wrote them down never knowing whose name God had placed on that particular day's reading. Yet when I read those words and then repeated them over and over in my mind as I drove to the interview, I heard Him whisper "I love you, you are not the only one who has been here."
---Excerpts from November 18--- "It is sometimes very difficult not to be offended in Jesus Christ, for the offense may be the result of my circumstances. I may find myself confined to narrow areas of service...when I had hoped for much wider opportunities. Yet the Lord knows what is best for me, and my surroundings are determined by Him. Wherever He places me, He does so to strengthen my faith and power and to draw me into closer communion with Himself. And even if confined to a dungeon, my soul will prosper. When I gave myself to Him, I had hoped that my skies would always be fair, but often they are overcast with clouds and rain. But I must believe that when difficulties remain, it is that I may learn to trust Him completely -- to trust and not be afraid. And it is through my mental and emotional struggles that I am being trained to tutor others who are being tossed by the storm. Once I arrive at my heavenly home, I will look back across the turns and trials along my path and will sing the praises of my Guide. So whatever comes my way, I will welcome His will and refuse to be offended in my loving Lord." - Alexander Smellie-
She had been following the blog Heart to Heart with Holley Gerth for sometime. She had stumbled upon her blog while going through a rough patch at her previous job. It was something about how the words painted across her soul that caught her attention.
She began contemplating how words have more importance than we might think. Our thoughts slip out of our minds and into listening ears quite often. She thought often do we allow those thoughts to slip out without taking into consideration feelings and the effect they may have on someone else. She had too often wished that she could take words she had said back and crumple them up. She had read how God us commanded to be slow to speak and quick to listen. Such a simple command and yet it became such a complexity simply because people don't always follow it.
She had become a victim to this complexity. Words had been carelessly said to her. Casually spoken words, words that struck deeper than had been meant or imagined. Slowly she hid them away to hopefully to be forgotten in some cobwebbed corner of her mind. Although it was easy to forgive the carelessness. It was not as easy to forget how those words felt.
I walked through the doors of the little country church Sunday morning. I picked up the bulletin and sat in my usual spot on the back row, near the aisle. As people began to filter into the church I scanned over the announcements, knowing they would be gone over more thoroughly during the service. Notes about turning in cans to raise money, the pastor and his wife had successfully moved, so on and so forth. But it was the two lines at the bottom of the bulletin that caught my attention. The pastor preached his sermon but it was those two lines that I remembered later in the day. And have even stuck with me through this week. You never know how God is going to speak to you. It could be through something earth shattering or as simple as a few words. For me it has always been the little blessings, the little occurrences through the day, a small bit of poetry or song lyric, that have always spoken volumes to my soul. God spoke to my heart as a small child through the lyrics of a song. I could not sing it in its entirety without tearing up. I remember walking down that aisle scared to death but the desire to be able to sing those words with truth behind it, compelled my little spirit to go up front.
Today a co-worker shared a quote that she has posted on her desk. Matthew Henry was the author and the verse was from Psalm. It spoke directly to the situation at hand and gave both of us a sense of peace. I was able to share my little quote from Sunday with her. She smiled as she said, "God is good." Yes He is. I hope each one of you has a blessed week and feels God's voice whispering to your heart.
'When life knocks you to your knees,
You are in a perfect position to pray!'
It takes effort to play happy. It's a constant uphill battle to trick your psyche into believing that you are alright. People say it will get easier with time, what they won't tell you is that for the mean time you will have to dredge through a flood of past mistakes instead of pleasant memories which wash through your mind hourly. And the harder you try to be strong, the stronger the storms Satan will hurl in the direction of your heart. Sometimes you will find yourself on your knees having given up trying to withstand the waves of his torment. What most people won't tell you is this, the darkness doesn't just slowly seep into your soul, it literally pours down in torrents. Today as I drove home from work. I was battling one of these storms, and God flashed a picture into my mind. I saw myself standing on the prow of a little rowboat with my arms stretched wide. I was facing into the wind, the rain, lightening, and waves all of which seemed to be about to envelope the little vessel. And "the audience" wondered how it was the little vessel hadn't already capsized? Because really, who can stand on the tip of a rowboat without it toppling forward? The next thing I saw brought a calming peace to my pounding heart. Sitting in the boat was my Savior, my family, and my friends all whispering prayers, encouragement, and support.
*'I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope. Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.'
As I learn how to heal, I have found that it has become easier and easier to turn to God at my weakest moments. Last night I lay on my floor in tears, my mind racing with questions, my heart screaming out bitterly, when I looked up and saw this past Sunday's sermon notes laying there in front of me. I picked them up and started reading.
Word by written word my heart slowed its angry beating, my mind began to focus on the message. Slowly, deliberately I read the notes I had taken. At the end I had written these precious words:
'Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.'
Thankful tears replaced ones that had been filled with disappointment, anger, bitterness, and hopelessness. Even when this world fails me God never will. That very blessing, gives me the strength to stand and face this storm head on. And knowing that He is holding my hands tightly in His own helps me to simply breathe.
"Your are the Love that calms my heart,
You are the Peace that makes me still"
For those of you who know what the above situation derives from; I am sure this probably will make you angry at the one who has caused the pain. But I have a favor to ask, instead of wasting precious time on angry thoughts, lift them up in prayer. Pray for safe keeping and that God will bless them.
"What if Your blessings come through rain drops, what if Your healing comes through tears, what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near. What if trials of this life, are Your mercies in disguise."
Trials of this life, I can't say that I look forward to these. But as I walk through one right now, I also can't say that I would ever want to go without them. For some reason, maybe because I have been forced into solitude or am just older, my definition of 'trial' has changed. I no longer see it as, "Oh no, I have done something wrong again and am being punished." I now recognize them as a chance to run to God, climb up in His lap and be still.
Do I always relish the thought or the knowledge that healing takes time? No, but as I have learned over the most recent years, you just can't rush the plans of God. I saw a church sign recently that read, "God's plans include you. Do your plans include God?
That simple statement halted my spirit in its tracks. And I started thinking about it. Had I really been including God in my plans? The answer my heart whispered shook me, "No, to be honest they had not." I had tricked my self into believing that that the choices I had been making were pleasing to God, When in reality, had I taken the time to look at the situations from a different perspective, I would have seen the compromises I had been making. My decisions were only pleasing to me.
So as I walk through this healing process, this trial. I run to God daily and we compare calendars, swap schedules. And I do nothing without thinking thoroughly upon it first. And I am learning to be thankful for my trials.
Someone once penned that silence is golden. That person must have been at some point in their life, a daycare worker or teacher of 14 screaming 2 year olds. They probably worked at a 10 hours a day, four days a week daycare. :)
But I wonder if that person ever sat on the side of silence that is not so golden. I wonder if that person ever sat on the scary, lonely side of silence? I wonder if that person ever sat in a half empty house after a divorce? Or sat in a foster care center after losing both parents? I wonder if they ever turned on the TV to nothing in particular, just to drown out that so called golden silence. Or if they may have looked up at the clock and realized that only an hour had passed and they actually had a whole 3 hours more of that blessed silence. If they had, I wonder if they would have still written about how silence is golden?
Yet in that silence I hear a whisper that is only audible when it is quiet. Make any noise or sound and you will miss it. Life's calamities usually drown it out. There are days that I hate the silence but with silence comes healing. Silence brings moments to move through hardships. Silence brings moments of reflection. Silence allows you to find the inner strength to leave the TV off and work through the hurt. Silence gives you time to read, play piano, draw, color, write, sing, and hear the thunder. Silence brings that whisper, that peace filled whisper of I AM here and I will not leave you. So yes, silence can be golden.
...in quietness and trust is your strength. Isaiah 30:15b
For the last two years, now going on three, the answer to my prayers for God to show me His will has been a constant just wait sweet daughter. Do you know how frustrating it has been to hear that over and over and over? And yet in the recent days it has been easier to pray for patience and learn to wait. I have come to realize that they go hand in hand. Waiting on God (His timing, His plan, His purpose) means that you are being taught patience. I hadn't really ever thought about it that way.
In the past several days His guidance couldn't be anymore clearer. I received a card that read 'Despair walks away...thinking God doesn't care. Faith waits - knowing that in God's perfect time He will speak. I have been reading a Psalm a day and so the last verse of today's reading. Psalm 27:14 is the same verse at the bottom of that card. Its God's little reminder to me that He loves me and He is well aware that patience IS NOT a strong point of mine. But He knows that I am making an effort to wait. Reading that verse tonight felt like God had picked me up once again, set me in His lap, put His arms around me and whispered, I know you are trying and I love you.
Psalm 27:14 - Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart: wait I say, on the Lord.
I in no way think of God as Santa it's the only picture I have of me in a lap.... :)
He didn't have to catch my attention with any gimmicks or entertainment factors, just a simple statement. "We are all road builders." I waited for him to say more to tell me why this was the specific subject of his sermon. Pen in hand, I began to write down what he said. Simple illustrations broadened my view of what I thought he might mean by that simple statement. And now two days later I still am pondering the sermon's lesson. I had heard before that we are all on a journey, on a path. Yet, I had never heard that we are all road builders. He asked simply, "What kind of road builder are you? What kind of path are you living behind you? Is it one fit for a King? Smooth and clean? People are always watching what we are doing, we will always have followers. So are you leaving behind an easy to follow road or is your full of danger zones and detours." These are the questions my heart ponders tonight as I attempt to drift off to sleep.
In the beginning of this new endeavor, it was difficult to see beyond the normal pictures of the trip. All the buildings appeared the same, the scenery was the same, and so on. And then one day as I was traveling to work I saw my first amazing picture. Oreo Cookie Cows! I gave them that name because no one could tell me what they were really named. They have black on their head and rump and then around the middle they have what looks like a painted white stripe. And they all look like this! I have found other scenes that my mind has snapped pictures of as well: a little red barn off the beaten path, a house that always seems to be surrounded by emergency vehicles, a tree that looks like a large T-Rex towering over I-35, and a tiny house boat I wish I had the money to buy.
